I'm going to be making some changes to myself. First of all, the Anime on TV video will be delayed by a little, no date since I think I'm just mostly done with that now. There's so many reasons as to why this video is tougher than I imagined, namely gathering footage is annoying, but by far the biggest and worst part of editing, is dealing with the smoke smell from my old PC. It stanks! It's almost exactly like the smell of the smoked out house, only to a way lesser degree but it's still very noticeable. This has pretty much killed my motivation for completing this video, which sucks because I feel really embarrassed by having the date in the video being shown and taking this long to make but, oh well. I'm still going to make this video though, I promise. I won't give any date, but I will give my goddamn word that this video will be created.

On a similar note, I genuinely don't know when any other video will be made because of my old smoke damaged PC. I think I have to get a new PC if I want to edit again, which is something I cannot afford to do for the foreseeable future. I'll probably go with a laptop with medium range specs since I am only doing simple edits, and I hope that will be enough to get me back into making videos, I pray! Especially since I now have a good time frame to record my voice work at, which is amazing for me. So I don't know what the future holds yet again, I will make that Anime on TV video even on that smoked out PC, that much I can... asure... I hope. I'm not going to make any more promises about videos anymore though, I've learned my lesson way too much already, I don't think I've kept a single promise so no more of that.

I also somewhat had a recent epiphany and a small breakdown where as I was writing one of these blog posts I all of a sudden asked myself "Who the fuck am I talking too?" And boy that didn't make me feel good. The truth is, no one. Not a single soul reads these, no person has ever clicked on the blog posts, and maybe, if they did it would probably be the post with the "Surviving an attempted murder" title. These posts are genuinely me yelling at a wall, who would read this stuff, who would even care? I thought "Am I doing this for my future audience?" and no, because they wouldn't care either. So, am I doing this for myself? And as much as I had believed that I was making all these works, putting in my time to research, writing, editing, scripting, and artwork, the truth is that I am not doing this for myself fully. I thought I was but no, I'm far from reaching that point even though I thought I was already there.

This last 2 months, pretty much ever since I finished Final Fantasy VII, I have been back at it again with living apathetically and doing nothing. Maybe I wrote about this in a previous blog but who even read that. I've been really creatively unfufilled, how could I create something if I'm living my life like this? I think I'm going to go back to one of my old strategies where I give myself a daily goal, and that is going to be a small one, a single hour of each day solely dedicated to playing a game. That's it, just starting small and light just to ease myself into the groove again. I've been really craving to play visual novels again, in fact I finished ZATO last week and loved it, problem was that it took me a full month complete that game and I spent the most amount of time on it last month. I played some Disco Elyisium, enjoyed it. Played Ridge Racer 4, had fun. Started Persona 5 again, felt sad that I lost all my saves because those greedy fucks at Sony want you to pay for cloud saves. In fact, I've been wanting to play games this whole time, but I am a major procrastinator, I kept telling myself "It's video time" and would forbid myself from playing games because I need to make my videos.

I hate grind culture, I hate having to turn your passions into money, I hate never slowing down and always making constant progress, and yet I feel like I have to do those things all the time. Right now I can feel that not making videos means that I am missing out on all my dreams forever. Because I feel that I will die soon, that I will be left with nothing in my wake, that VN I want to make will never materialize, my thoughts will never reach people, my artwork will never get good, and all those games I will love won't be played. Maybe that's true, not doing the stuff I want does mean that I am not doing it, but I don't know, maybe that's fine? I really do feel this immense strong urge and feelings towards these videos I want to make, I don't think there's anything more I want to do than to have those videos out there, but I feel so stressed out when I'm not working on progressing towards them. These videos are supposed to me spreading my thoughts and the joys I had with these works with others, so should I slow down my pace to enjoy it more even if it means less videos? I know that I really do have fun working on this stuff still, in fact the best thing I've ever done with my videos is having a "random thoughts" section on each google doc, I love that page, I love having random thoughts pop into my brain and trying to incorperate them into the video somehow.

All of this is to say. I think embarassing yourself every now and then is fine. You'll feel so much pressure if you never want to do something because of how people will precieve you. I'm embarrassed that the video will explicitly say APRIL 23RD, in it, and that the video might be done by July. I'm going to attempt to finish that video on my smokey PC, if it's too much to bare I will delay it until I get a new laptop. But until then, I am going to play so many games, I'm goig to write so fucking much, and I'm not going to worry about making constant progress on my videos. This is a setback that I will take advantage of. I'm doing this, not to make progress towards my video goals, but because I think this is the most fun path to achieving them. I'm going to embarass myself by writing Steam reviews, backlog reviews, anime reviews, and whatever else. If I am to die soon, then I want to leave behind a legacy of earnest joy and cringe. I love these video ideas I have, and I want to send it as a message to others, even if the message is as simple as me saying. "I love you."

I played one fucking game and look how much it inspired me! I would have actually not felt this way if I didn't finish ZATO. I love this stuff so much, I love all creative works, I love so much out there, so I'm going to expirence all that I can in my life. And I hope, one day, the stuff I create, might do the same for others.

This blog post was brought to you by New Path - Z.A.T.O. // I Love the World and Everthing In It. I can't believe most of this game's soundtrack was royalty free. I hope my little vn bares fruit soon.