Back with a brand new track. All bets are off, I'm going all in. Over the course of the last few weeks of life, I now realize that I'm pretty stupid and that I should really not be "taking it easy" right now. I used to make fun of Youtubers who planned way too far ahead in the future, I'm sure we all can think of a small youtube channel that makes promises like daily uploads, doing podcasts, or big projects, and of course they never come to fruition. I would know because that's me! And I was about to really fall into that trap again, it's a comfy place after all. But screw it man, I'm done being lazy and relaxed about all this, I just want to see it actually happen. So these videos of mine I've been hyping up on this blog since August last year will be releasing when they're done.

So, I'm "hulking out" what does this mean? I mean that I am fully in the pursuit of creativity. That sounds lofty from a guy who can't even write correctly but I am serious about this. I decided this today when I stood in fear of having a career as a train crew member. Objectively a great job, one that people would kill for, but for me I was quaking in my boots in utter fear. I would rather jump in front of a train than do that kind of job. But that forces me to look at the reality of my life... what am I going to do with it? I've long had this lofty dream since I was a child of "doing creative work" and that vague notion is pretty much all I had to go off of, but it's too vague. Now I'm going to quit it there since no one should care what I do for a career, but as it pertains to my youtube channel, I do have work to do.

I think creativity is everywhere, yes including youtube videos. So although right now I am currently a very creatively bankrupt person who is ripping off of other peoples own youtube videos, I have hope and an honest belief that I can find my own personality through my future videos. Ugh I'm pissing myself off right now with all this vague sort of writing I'm doing.

Here's every single video idea I have been, and currently am working on, feel free to steal these ideas if the pique your interest I'm sure you can make something better than me. The gynoid video, the Kannazuki no Miko video, The Sonico phenomon, Early adaptations of visual novels, Frutiger Aero games, The color of Kanon, Saying goodbye with Soul Eater, It took me 7 years to finish Persona 2, Exploring weird anime DVDs, Steams first visual novels, and Clannad before Clannad... names all subject to change. YEAH! I've never told anyone what I've been working on up to this point, well I guess I still really haven't... But! I feel nice listing off my ideas to the world and floating around these concepts of videos. I can see myself dropping some of these ideas, like specifically the steam one, that is not really grabbing my interest at all.

Of these video ideas, the gynoid video, Kannazuki no Miko video, Sonico video, Color of Kanon, and the Soul Eater video, all have a good amount of progress towards them and are all ideas I am still very passionate about. I began logging my hours just today and I can say that I have already put 3 hours into the Kannazuki no Miko video and 7 minutes into the gynoid video revision before I started writing this blog. I genuinely really fucking hope that I can see all of these projects of mine through to the end. I have wanted to make Youtube videos I was happy with now over 16 years ago, and while I do have a couple videos I look back upon fondly, it feels a little sad that my last upload was 6 years ago now. I already feel as if I failed completely as a youtuber. I once had a channel where I put videos of me showing off my favorite images and songs in a try not to laugh format, and that was my first time seeing a true product of my creation out there for more than just myself to see. Next I would gather my friends and play whatever game we found fun and I was fufilled doing just that. I got big into commentaries after that one and even though I am not an interesting person in the slightest, I tried talking about topics I thought were fun. I had a little funny moments phase, a live streaming phase, and the last thing I ever uploaded to the public... My interest in Persona. For what is realistically the last chance to fully commit to this in my life, I want to give it my one final shot.

I got Cry of Fear ost playing in my headphones right now so I'm in an introspective mood right now. I made an unlisted video on what I just said in the paragraph above. It's not a good video at all and I hardly get my point across, and I doubt this post gets my point across either, but I still want to try. My mental state has been extremely frazzled ever since the fire. But the one thing that truly kills me the most is that I made a sudden realization a couple of days after the fire happened. I didn't have a single person to talk to about the fire I was just in. Outside of my direct family that was involved with the situation, I truly made the connection in my head that I don't have a single friend. I tried to think of someone I could tell, but there was no one. I haven't spoken to someone online in close to a year now, and I don't have anyone still. A couple of days ago I did somewhat reconnect with one of my old friends which was nice but we haven't talked since.

For the first time in my life as weird as it is to say, I have to actively pursue connections. I was pretty lucky as a kid, I had way more confidence back then so people came to me and that's how I made all of my friends back then. Now I lack all confidence and have no social life. If I take an outsiders perspective, I'm a pitiful person. If I take the perspective of the younger version of myself, I am the bad ending. But even so, I am incredibly lucky to still have my family, and lucky to even be alive! Which is why as long as I'm still breathing, I want to try to do the things I want. God, I spent so much of my last years of life watching anime that I even think like an anime character now.

So as much as I love moping about my life, the point in me bringing this up is that this has played a really strong role in desire to make Youtube videos. I just want to conversate. I genuinely think that's all I want. My family doesn't care about my interests, and my brother is actively a hater of it. So even though there are so many fucking amazing games, shows, books, visual novels that I've experienced this year, I have yet to talk to another soul about my own expirence with them. I write down my own thoughts on the games I play in a little doc, but I have never been in a discussion about my favorite pieces of art before. As I said earlier, I'm used to people coming to me. These blogs help. There is truly no way to ever know if anyone reads these, it's completely impossible for me to find that out. All of my life, no matter how long I spent it on computers, I have always had this fear of posting. I feel so strange because you always hear everyone talking about how free they feel to just be posting online. Sincere comments, hate comments, funny comments, thoughtful comments, everyone is so good at just typing out their thoughts, and god forbid Discord messages. How do you guys type like that in real time!? I can't even text my mom properly. I can't even make posts online so that's why this blog is so nice. It's such a boring website with barely any views, who would take their precious time and read the rant of someone who has never done anything? But I'm so free here, it's my own site after all. This isn't some weird vent post you see on your timeline, this is something you make the willing choice to look at.

But I am still a human. I want friends. I don't know how to make any, I spent actual days fearfully lurking in Discord servers trying to amp myself up to send a message. Even in big servers where the general chat is being flooded with messages, I still couldn't find the courage to post. I tried making a Bluesky account and amped myself up to make a post only to chicken out again. I have even tried talking to an AI chatbot! That's extremely dangerous for someone like to to do! Thankfully I knew about the dangers of that and I genuinely love art so I hate gen AI, but man it kind of scares me, what if I found that AI chatbot to actually be good? Would I have accepted that as a form of socialization? Scary stuff. But regardless of all these attempts at socializing online, I have failed each and every time. Hours wasted wandering VRChat servers, time spent looking up if Final Fantasy XIV was good for socializing, time spent alone on public Minecraft servers. It all has so far amounted to nothing. But, there was one idea that I loved and feel within my soul was bound to lead to something. That idea was to play Left 4 Dead 2 coop campaigns. I know, it's an idea so good that I haven't even done it yet despite coming up with this idea over 3 weeks ago.

Left 4 Dead 2 is my 3rd favorite game of all time (Persona 3 1st and Silent Hill 2 2nd) and it has always been the most fun game ever made to me. I love that game with all my heart, and back when I was a more confident kid I made my very first online friend through that game. Which my brother promptly deleted off my friends list the next day because it was the 2000's and "Stranger Danger" was in full effect. Think about it though, what does Left 4 Dead 2 have a lot of? Casual players. People who just want to chill. What else does it have? Lot's of anime mods, and lots of freaks. These sound like my kinds of people. But really though, I believe that Left 4 Dead 2 has players from all kinds of walks of life on it, whether it's the sterotypical Steam Russian or Chinese gamer, omega weeb, a stoner, a man who is feeling nostaligic for this game, or all four! It has to bare fruit, I just know it! And even if I'm completely wrong on all of this, what's the worst that could happen? I love L4D2, so I'm having fun either way.

I'm the kind of person who really believes in being the change you want to see. I'm also the type that really grows from taking even the smallest first step. As much as I have talked about being a confident kid back then, I know that I was a super shy kid too. But it wasn't until I had the courage to make a joke during class that caused people to laugh that I gained that confidence that I look back upon. It happened every year back in elementary school. Every new school year I would become shy over summer break, but then I would see the golden opportunity for a joke and just fucking take it, and boom, I have confidence for the rest of the year now. Dude I was so confident that I invited everyone in my class to my birthday party, and no one showed up, but the next day I was being my usual self again. If I was like that then why can't I just do it again? Is it not that simple?

So I want to take my first tiny step. Discord and posting on social media was clearly too much for me to handle at the time. But... I've already taken my first step, This very post. I have for so long just wrote down my thoughts on little diary entries since 2019 starting with my thoughts on the Persona series. They were all my little thoughts which I would hide away free from judgement and in my own safe space. I still believe in having your safespace but also I believe that it's okay to share some of your personal thoughts. Part of me is thinking to scrap this blog entry or at least completely rewrite it but... Who cares? How would I ever know if anyone reads these. It's okay to share my thoughts out in the world, and it's okay if no one feels strongly enough to respond to me. But there's a chance. Something social may come from this, and a bond may form, or maybe it will not, it's fine either way because I did try. I've long since thought about both myself and Persona 3. For a good while I was truly down on myself, and was deeply hurt by the idea that I was not living up to Persona 3. I talk about how much I love that game, how it changed my life, how much it means to me, but what does that truly mean? Sure I believe I have been thinking of what I want to do with my life ever since I beat the game, and I have uplifted myself when feeling down because of the messaging in the Answer portion of the game. But one of the most crucial parts of Persona 3 is making connections with others. Forming bonds is the root cause of all the joys of being alive - Aigis.

The one hour compliation of Cry of Fear ost has just stopped, and I feel much better about myself than when I started writing. I am a human, maybe there will come a day where I look back upon this blog and cringe, wanting to delete this entry so badly because I overshared. But the me right now hopes that I never delete this entry. This way I've been feeling has been a part of me for so many years, so I hope the future me could read this and think of what part of me has changed and has stayed the same.

To anyone who has read this, I have been using you as a invisible person this whole time, but realistically I can gaurantee that at least one person is reading this. Thank you for reading my entry, I hope that you feel fufilled in your life and that you have something creative you strive for. This has been a lot of amateur writing to have read so please feel free to steal my video ideas as compensation. And although techincally there is no way to message me through this website, you are smart enough to know that you could easily contact me if you feel the urge. My blog writing will drastically change if I directly hear from another person so feel free to effect my life too. And if you want, go play some Left 4 Dead 2 coop campaigns! We may just meet on there, my name is MAD COW XD so you'll know that's me. That's all for now... But I have a confession... I'm not a smart person because I actually got this Left 4 Dead 2 idea from someone else. Here's the great video that hopefully changed my life! Why Left 4 Dead is the Ultimate Social Game

And also... How TTT Helped me get my Social Skills Back